You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
