They should really pass out barf bags in church
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
