also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Too much gin, very little bucket
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
