I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
