Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
