I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
