I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
