so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
