The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
