There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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