DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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