Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
