Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
