New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
