All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
