The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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