I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
do nipples grow back?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
