Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
