I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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