Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
