Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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