At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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