she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
