even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
