did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
