did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
