i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
