What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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