Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
