We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
how does that bad decision feel?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
