toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
