we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
