If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
