I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
