I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
