I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
