apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
