You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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