i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she smelled like a LAN party
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
