the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
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