I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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