i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
