rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
