i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
