Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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