I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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