I'm gonna have a badass scar
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
