Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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