your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
