then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
