My hand turned me down
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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