I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
The air was thick with penises
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Randomize
